Mary Sue Millionth Anniversary!
by tikitikirevenge
Summary: A new Smasher arrives. Woah. She is hot and Marth and Link like her. Original. She can't fight but she has purple eyes. Zomgtehcool. ITS A SERIOUS STORY NOT A PARODY STOP SO CALLING IT FUNNY, U FLAMERS! Sixth chapter! READ AND REVIEW BEFORE IT'S DELETED!
1. Enter Mary Sue

_Presenting:_

_**The Millionth Story in which Mary Sue the Mary-Sue  
joins the Smash Brothers in the Smash Mansion  
and has relationships with people and ends up  
dating Marth, Link, and Peach, as well as Saving  
the Universe.**_

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

**Legal note:**

None of these characters (barring the obvious exceptions) are my own.

**Forward:**

An explanation may be necessary:

Hi. I'm tikitikirevenge, an author. In the past, I've tried writing SSB fan stories in various genres: humour, parody, parodies of humour, random humour, deliberately bad romance, random randomness, entropic-unpredictably random humour, and even the occasional funny story. This time, though, I have come up with a new way of getting maximum positive reviews.

You see, there are millions of stories written every day in which an original character blinks into existence and joins the ranks of the Smash Brothers. I realised about two minutes ago that, if I could copy this formula, I would be guaranteed of getting a rabid following of teenage girls who wish Marth was real and males trying to pick up romantic tips. I'll have millions of followers!

Maybe there are better ways of getting a cult following (like writing well, or writing originally, or starting my own religion), but I have no doubt that shameless imitation is both easy and risk-free.

* * *

**1: Enter Mary Sue**

* * *

The Smash Brothers, who were all very famous, had spontaneously and simultaneously quit their day jobs (plumbing, bounty-hunting, world-saving), in order to settle down at Master Hand's so-called 'Smash Mansion' and date each other frequently, even if there were only three women (one of whom was a mystic, one of whom was psychotic, the other of whom was incapable of thought). 

Why would anyone do such a thing? Who knows? Some think it was because Master Hand had all drugged them and dragged them over there. But a few believe it was a true instance of _deus ex machina_ (which is something that will happen very frequently in this story).

So Marth and Roy were kissing passionately in Marth's room (not each other, they were kissing the llamas, silly!).

"Wait…" said Marth, stopping. "Since when did we go for llamas?"

"I think," said Roy, "that it was after Master Hand borrowed your massagers and we couldn't find anyone here to make out with."

"Oh, right…" said Marth, recalling in quick succession how after suave advances, Zelda had slapped him (with a knife), Samus had snapped his leg, and Peach had choked on a goldfish (though, to his credit, she was already chewing on it when Marth started talking to her).

"We need someone else to hit on," Marth concluded.

Roy thought. "What about Nana the ice climber?"

"Too young," dismissed Marth.

"Jigglypuff?"

"Too not-human."

"Link?"

"Link's a male."

"Just a thought. Uh, Yoshi?"

"Lizard, and he's male, too."

"Peach?"

"I asked. She's too stupid."

"Link?"

"Roy," said Marth, turning to look at his friend, "why do you keep mentioning Link?"

Roy uttered a witty response which completely justified the entire conversation. Sadly, it had to be cut out to make more room for descriptions of every facet of Mary Sue's body.

* * *

It is now important that we meet another important character, Master Hand. Although one might think that 'Master' is a title, it's actually his first name. This is evidenced by his crazy twin, Crazy, whose last name is also Hand. 

The Hand family came from nowhere in particular, having been here and there but not everywhere at the same time as being everywhere at once was physically and metaphysically impossible. But we digress.

Master Hand was floating in his office, which was on the top floor of the Smash Mansion. He was reading the newspaper.

"This is horrible," he said. "There were nearly three entire pages which didn't mention the upcoming tournament! Nobody cares anymore. I'm ruined – ruined!"

"Hello, brother," said Crazy Hand in his kooky voice, floating through the wall and showering Master Hand with plaster.

"Crazy, do you always have to do that?" said Master Hand.

"Yes," said Crazy Hand, giggling.

"How did you get out of the padded cell this time?"

"I sang 'Dance of the Sugar-Plum Faeries'," responded Crazy Hand.

"That doesn't make any sense!"

Crazy Hand didn't respond, instead opting to glide around the room doing tumble-turns.

"I give up," sighed Master Hand. "There's no way I can ever make these tournaments popular again. Back to swindling poor people, I guess," he lamented.

"There ees an alternateef," said Crazy Hand. "You could create a new Smash Brother that everyone loves!"

"Find a new Smasher…" mused Master Hand, "that's a good idea."

"I said _create_, not _find_," snapped Crazy Hand angrily.

"Meaning…?"

"Not telling!" Crazy Hand said, giggling weirdly and then leaving the room. Via the window. And falling. Out of the window.

* * *

Mary Sue was a delivery person for the Koopa Pizzeria franchise. That an exaggeratedly nice person, with the ability to get along with everyone and woo both the male and female demographics, had been chosen to deliver pizza to the Smash Mansion at the exact moment that Master Hand was zooming around the place, trying to find a new Smasher, and several people happened to have called him to the front door, and that Mary Sue was wearing a horridly suggestive pizza-delivery-outfit, and that all the males present fell in love with her the moment they saw her, was just a coincidence. 

Yes, a coincidence; not the result of a completely uncreative author.

Well, actually, yes, I admit it. I'm copying every other original-character story out there ad verbatim. But I swear; I'm only doing it to satirically demonstrate how boringly clichéd it is – or am I?

See, the problem is as thus: people no longer write original stories. They read a couple of stories, like them, and then do their best to imitate them. Then other fans read their stories, praise them heavily, and do the same. Soon, the world is flooded with such stories. It's annoying, but for some reason, the system works.

Oh, that's right… the story…

"What's taking the pizza so long?" complained Captain Falcon, who was lying in front of the door in a suggestive pose on the off-chance that passing women would suddenly fall in love with him as a result.

"Falcon, why aren't you wearing a shirt?" asked Link, averting his eyes after a quick, disgusted glance.

"It's the secret to my success," explained Captain Falcon, unperturbed.

"What-a success?" said Luigi, who was relaxing on the steps before the front door. (They _had_ been waiting for the pizza for several hours, now, so it wasn't a complete surprise that this was happening.

"Uh… that's classified," said Falcon.

"You don't-a _have_ success," said Luigi.

"Shut up, plumber," said Falcon, pushing Luigi away.

"Stop fighting," said Link, annoyed. "It's so _violent_. Violence promotes hatred and crime. You're a bad example for the kids."

Mary Sue, of course, was approaching the front of the Smash Mansion to deliver her pizzas at that exact moment.

"Uh… hi," she said meekly, "is this the Smash Mansion?"

"Yep," said Falcon, not bothering to glance at her. "Put the pizzas down wherever."

"Okay…" she said timidly, putting down the pizza. Then, on an impulse, she whipped out a camera and started taking as many photographs of Falcon, Luigi, and Link within two seconds.

Master Hand floated out through the front door. "Ah… the pizza's finally here!" he exclaimed jovially.

"What's it to you?" said Falcon. "You can't eat."

Master Hand tried to think of a witty comeback. "I… er… that is to say… well… hmm… hey, who are you?"

"What? Me?" said Mary Sue, very much surprised.

"Yes, I mean you. Who are you?"

"Mary Sue," she stammered. "Delivery-person for Koopa Pizzeria. Order now and get a free but worthless ticket. I meant coupon. Free and worthless coupon."

Master Hand suddenly had a brainwave. "Hey, do you want to join the Smash Brothers?"

"But… but I can't fight…"

"Excellent! Come with me!" Master Hand proclaimed. He grabbed Mary Sue by the hair and whisked her off.

Silence followed.

"What was that about?" said Link, finally.

Luigi considered. "Perhaps that was-a actually _Crazy_ Hand, not Master-"

"Did someone say my name?" said Crazy Hand, appearing through a wall. "Because I can be very friendly!"

Crazy Hand grabbed Luigi and crushed him to a pulp. "You are my new best friend!" he said in a strained voice.

Falcon and Link stared, shocked.

Crazy Hand let go of what remained of Luigi and floated away.

Falcon and Link stared, shocked.

Yoshi walked past, took one look, and ran away, screaming "arararararar…"

Falcon and Link stared, shocked.

"Meh, it was only Luigi," said Falcon finally.

"Good point," said Link. "Let's get these pizzas inside."

* * *

Read. Review. Visit **hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum** and spam. Breathe. Live. Die. Choke. 


	2. Mary Sue becomes a Smasher

_Presenting:_

**_The Millionth Story in which Mary Sue the Mary-Sue  
joins the Smash Brothers in the Smash Mansion  
and has relationships with people and ends up  
dating Marth, Link, and Peach, as well as Saving  
the Universe._**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

**Legal note:**

None of these characters (barring the obvious exceptions) are my own.

**Author's note:**

Well, I see that people liked my first chapter. I think that after a year and a half of writing humour, I've finally started to find a nice balance between satire, stupidity, sarcasm, slapstick, and URANDOMN3SS?111. Thanks to everyone for the reviews, which, of course, I'd like more of, so be nice that way. The next chapter follows the formula fairly faithfully.

* * *

**2: Mary Sue becomes a Smasher**

* * *

"Well, then, Mary Sue!" said Master Hand. "Welcome to my humble abode!" 

Mary Sue glanced at the gold-plated ceiling, and then looked back at Master Hand. "Nice place you've got here," she said sheepishly.

"Now, now, don't be shy," chided Master Hand. "You should be really excited about all of this!"

"All of what?" said Mary Sue.

"I haven't told you yet?" said Master Hand.

"No, you haven't."

"Oh, sorry. Well, now, since that's all settled…"

"You still haven't told me what this is about," said Mary Sue.

"Oh, right," said Master Hand.

Silence.

"Come into my office, then," he added.

* * *

Master Hand's office was an office. When Mary Sue entered the office with Master Hand, she couldn't help but note just how office-y the office was. In fact, the office was far more of an office that it was a dishwasher. This was kind of a relief as most people would want to make sure that the office they were working in was actually an office, not a dishwasher. 

It was.

"Wow," said Mary Sue in awe, "I'm in Master Hand's office!"

"And I'm Master Hand!" chuckled Master Hand.

Mary Sue did not laugh.

"Ah, well," said Master Hand, "what were we discussing?"

"I don't think-"

"Oh, that's right, we _weren't_ discussing anything," said Master Hand.

"So why am I here?" said Mary Sue.

"I want you to become a Smash Brother," said Master Hand.

Mary Sue's jaw dropped. She leant down to pick it up.

"I know, I know," said Master Hand, "it's a bit of a shock to digest and everything. But I'm sure-"

"Sir… Master Hand…" stammered Mary Sue. "I'm not sure if I've got what it takes to be a Smash Brother."

Master Hand paused, as if considering. Then he nodded. "Well, if you'd prefer, you could be a Smash Sister…"

Mary Sue stared blankly at him.

"Doesn't _anybody _appreciate a tasteful joke?" exploded Master Hand, shaking with frustration.

"I… don't get it?" said Mary Sue.

"Ah, don't worry," said Master Hand. "You'll make a good Smasher."

"But I can't fight!" said Mary Sue.

"Oh… oh, well that complicates things," said Master Hand. "I'll get back to you in a moment."

He floated out of his office, leaving her standing there.

And waiting.

And waiting.

"That was strange…" muttered Mary Sue.

* * *

Falco and Samus whipped their guns out, pointed directly at each other's heads. 

"Woah-a," said Mario, "it-a was only a suggestion."

"I did not," hissed Samus at Falco, "cheat."

"Oh, so hitting me in the face while we're arm-wrestling doesn't count as cheating, then?" hissed Falco back.

"That was not me," replied Samus evenly, "that was Luigi."

"Oh?" said Falco, swinging his gun around to point it at Mario.

"I'm-a Mario," said Mario quickly.

"Oh," said Falco. "Well, then, where's Luigi?"

Master Hand floated in. "Hi, there, everyone," he said.

"Hi," said Samus. "Why are you here?"

Master Hand frowned. "Does it really matter?" he said.

"Yes," said Falco.

"Where did you get that gun from, anyway?" said Master Hand.

"I bought it," said Falco.

"Oh, okay, then," said Master Hand. "Listen," he added, turning to Samus, "do you have any chocolates?"

"You have a date?" said Samus, bemused.

"No," said Master Hand. "It's very important, though."

Samus and Falco snickered.

"Did you try the chocolate shop?" said Samus.

"Hey…" said Master Hand, "that's a good idea."

"Yes," said Samus, "I'm full of good ideas."

Master Hand floated out.

"Hey," said Falco, "wanna suddenly strike up a friendship due to our similar personalities?"

"You're a bird," said Samus.

"You were raised by birds," countered Falco.

"Ah, ah, _ah…_" said Samus, nodding in appreciation of Falco's witty comeback. "Nice coming back with that comeback, comebacker."

"Any time… non-comeback person," said Falco.

Samus and Falco laughed appreciatively.

"Seriously, though," said Falco, "we're distracting valuable time from the main focus of the story – Mary Sue! A sentence without her in it is, as always, a sentence completely wasted."

"Well, then," said Samus, "we'd better forget about this whole 'character development' crud, then, eh?"

"Yes," said Falco. "We should probably fix the fourth wall while we're at it, too."

"There's a fourth wall for a reason," agreed Samus.

**_(NOTE TO SELF: GET RID OF THIS ENTIRE SECTION BEFORE I UPLOAD THIS UNLESS I FORGET BECAUSE I DON'T PROFREED! W00TLOLZOMGBLARGENHEISEN!)_**

* * *

"You're back," said Mary Sue when Master Hand returned to his office. 

"Hope I didn't leave you waiting too long," said Master Hand.

"Three days is a while," said Mary Sue. "I'm hungry."

"Oh? Great!" said Master Hand, brandishing a box of chocolates. "You can have all of this chocolate!"

"Uh, kay," said Mary Sue, taking the chocolates and eating them.

"Now will you join the Smash Brothers?" pressed Master Hand.

"Um, okay, I guess so," said Mary Sue uncertainly.

"Brilliant!" said Master Hand, clapping his hands.

Mary Sue stared, puzzled.

"Problem, dear?" said Master Hand.

"How can you clap your hands if you're only one hand?" said Mary Sue.

"Hey," said Master Hand, "that sounds like that proverb, the one that… well… you know what I mean… yep… that's right…"

Silence.

"You didn't answer my question?" said Mary Sue, bewildered.

"Indeed I didn't," said Master Hand.

"But then-"

"Who are we," interrupted Master Hand, "to question fate? It was, after all, fate which led you to me. It is _fate_ that will cause you to be the greatest Smasher ever! It is _fate_ that will cause you to have such an interesting, intricate love life over the course of this story! _Fate_ will cause this story to get lots of reviews! _Fate_ will result in the author suddenly stopping midway for no apparent reason! _Fate is the force that will allow you to step into the magical princess fairyland happy-happy shoes of your predecessors and become the TRUE QUEEN OF MARY-SUEDOM!_"

Mary Sue stared at Master Hand, bewildered. "Is there such thing as 'fate'?" she said.

"Actually, what I meant by 'fate' was 'the author following the formula'," said Master Hand, "but 'fate' sounds more grand and powerful."

Unfortunately, the author didn't know how to end what would have been a wonderful conversation, so he just ended the chapter there.

* * *

Read. Review. Visit **hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum** and say random stuff. Inhale. Exhale. Do the splits.  



	3. Everybody else meets Mary Sue

_Presenting:_

**_The Millionth Story in which Mary Sue the Mary-Sue  
joins the Smash Brothers in the Smash Mansion  
and has relationships with people and ends up  
dating Marth, Link, and Peach, as well as Saving  
the Universe._**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

**Legal note:**

None of these characters (barring the obvious exceptions) are my own.

**Author's note:**

It was very hard trying to think of what to write here, as thinking is very hard, especially for people who write Mary Sue stories, which is very easy. Easy is hard.

* * *

**3: Everybody Else Meets Mary Sue**

* * *

"Well," said Master Hand to Mary Sue, "now that you've become a new Smasher, it's time to introduce you to everyone!"

"Will I get along with them well?" said Mary Sue, timidly.

"Of course," said Master Hand, "it's all part of the formula. I'll introduce you to the others at dinner."

"Dinner," said Mary Sue. "What a funny word."

Mary Sue and Master Hand laughed at the funny word for a while.

"Wait," said Master Hand, "it's not a funny word."

And on that note, he departed.

Mary Sue followed after him.

* * *

"Hey," said Link to Zelda, "maybe we should have dinner now."

"Dinner, eh?" said Zelda, pulling out her enchanted cooking wand. "Whatever happened to calling it 'tea'?"

"Isn't 'tea' a light snack?" said Link, thinking hard.

"I'm not quite sure," said Zelda, conjuring up some vegetables of sacredness. "Regardless, it certainly is easier to pronounce than 'dinner'."

"I disagree," said Link. "The word 'tea' sounds too much like the letter 'T'."

"And the word 'dinner' looks too much like 'diner'," rebutted Zelda.

"Touché," said Link.

"Yes," said Zelda.

"On the other hand," said Link, "what if we referred to it as 'supper'?"

"Ooh, thin ice there," said Zelda, summoning a daemon of purest evil to help her chop up the meatloaf. "Some people would say that 'supper' is archaic, or that it refers to an after-dinner meal."

"True," said Link. "But that could make sense, if you pretend that 'dinner' actually means 'lunch'."

"Very good point," said Zelda. "But then, where does 'brunch' fit in?"

"I have no idea," said Link, stroking his chin.

"You probably shouldn't stroke your chin like that while you're holding a sword," suggested Zelda.

And sure enough, Link had driven his sword straight through his throat.

"Oh, goddesses," he said. "That really does hurt."

"It's fun to laugh at people's pain," said Zelda.

They all had a good laugh at Link's expense: Zelda, the evil daemon of meatloaf chopping, and even Link himself.

* * *

So the Smash Brothers all gathered at the dining table of the Smash Mansion for the meal which takes place in the evening and often involves lots of boiled things, henceforth referred to as 'dinner'.

"Mm," said Marth, as they ate. "It tastes delicious!"

Mario nodded. "Zelda, your cooking was-a _most_ atrocious only months ago," he said. "How are you-a doing this?"

"Black magic," replied Zelda. "It might be immoral, and it might involve selling souls, but it tastes good, eh?"

"Hear, hear!" said Marth.

"You sold people's souls?" said Link, sounding slightly scandalised.

"Only Luigi's," said Zelda. "It's not like anyone cares about _him_, anyway."

At that moment, Master Hand floated into the dining hall.

"Hello, everybody!" he said cheerily.

"You seem a lot happier than before," remarked Link.

"Yep," said Master Hand. "I have an important announcement to make!"

Everybody stopped their conversations in order to listen to Master Hand.

"Go on…" said, uh, Falco.

"I've changed the Animal Cruelty Rules so that now, you can all hurt hedgehogs as much as you want!"

Everybody cheered.

"I also made this effigy of Sonic for us all to burn!" continued Master Hand.

Everyone cheered even louder.

"And what's more, the planet is being invaded by ALIENS!" finished Master Hand.

Nobody cheered.

"That was a joke," said Master Hand.

Nobody laughed.

"I hate you all," said Master Hand, setting fire to Luigi.

Everybody laughed.

"Right," said Master Hand. "Anyhow, I also have a _new Smash Brother_ for you all to meet!"

Everybody gasped, in shock.

"Why are you all surprised?" said Master Hand. "It's not like you couldn't see this coming…"

"I guess so," said Link, nodding. "Considering that this is the millionth time you've dragged someone in off the street. As long as it's not one of those people who have such incredible luck disguised as skill that they manage to beat everybody, and then everyone becomes that person's friend, we should be fine."

Master Hand tried to think of a response.

"Anyway," he said, "everyone – meet Mary Sue!"

Everyone looked around wildly, trying to find the new Smasher.

"Okay," said Master Hand, "you can come in now."

A muffled voice came through the door behind him. "But you said not to go in until you said, 'ultimate Smash Brother of all time'."

"Well, I changed my mind," snapped Master Hand. "Now, come in."

Mary Sue timidly opened the door and crept in.

"Woah," said everybody.

They said this in amazement: unsurprisingly, everybody was quite surprised, bewildered, and amazed by Master Hand's choice of Smash Brother.

* * *

A/N: I was _going_ to include a description of Mary Sue here, but I think that can wait for next chapter. It's going to be kind of long, as with all Mary Sue stories, but I'm sure you can all manage. 


	4. OMG Mary Sue

_Presenting:_

**_The Millionth Story in which Mary Sue the Mary-Sue  
joins the Smash Brothers in the Smash Mansion  
and has relationships with people and ends up  
dating Marth, Link, and Peach, as well as Saving  
the Universe._**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

**Author's note:**

It was very hard trying to think of what to write here, as thinking is very hard, especially for people who write Mary Sue stories, which is very easy. Easy is hard.

* * *

**4: OMG Mary Sue**

* * *

Everyone was staring at Mary Sue because Mary Sue was so utterly awesome that even the phrase 'complete total awesomeness' was insufficient to describe her immense, gargantuan level of being awesome, which was humungous and monstrous in the awesomest way imaginable.

"AWESOME!1" said everyone.

"Why, thank you for the compliment," said Mary Sue.

Mary Sue was a tall blonde redhead of a diminuitive stature. She was slightly fat, but still had a bondy hourglass figure which accented her eyes which were simultaneously red, blue, amethyst, emerald, gold, azure, purple, and neon pink, which was actually possible due to the magical world of Schrodinger's cat.

_Schrodinger's cat, Schrodinger's cat.  
He really is the type who knows where it's all at!  
You can be quantum too, just read and review!  
And the chain letter will squash you flat, flat, flat!_

"You are amazingly hot!" said Marth like a rabid fangirl. In fact, he would have been a rabid fangirl if he was a girl. Instead, he had to settle with being a rabid fan-Marth.

"Yes!" said Master Hand. "I'll just leave you all to fight over her!"

What's that? You want to know the exact dimensions of Mary Sue's body? Sure! Mary Sue was exactly 5 feet and 3 eyeballs high, which was equivalent to 5' 99999", or for those of you who prefer metric, she was actually 3 metres and 4 kilograms tall. The exactness of her height, combined with her completely _amazing_ belly-button size, meant that she was impressive, seductive, diminutive, annoying, and friendly to be around. In fact, the exactness of this fact exacted and exact amount of exacted awe from lots of people.

"Wow!" said Link. "I wish to be romantically involved with you!"

"So would I," said Sheik, "but I **_DON'T HAVE A FREAKING GENDER_**!"

"Sheesh, Tiki, stop ripping off Joeb," said Master Hand, floating out of the room. "He's so obviously a better author than you."

"Who are you talking to?" said Crazy Hand, appearing out of nowhere and following him. "Is my brother talking to himself? Has he gone crazy? Oh, horrors!"

Crazy Hand fainted.

"Well," said Mary Sue shyly, "nice to meet you all. I'm a huge fan of yours and stuff."

"Are you any good at fighting?" said Marth suspiciously.

"Uh-"

"Let's have a fight to find out," said Marth.

"Well…" began Mary Sue.

"What's that?" said Samus. "You could beat him with one hand? Cool!"

"I didn't say…" said Mary Sue.

"Okay, this I have to see," said Zelda, pushing Link out of the way to see better.

"But…" said Mary Sue.

"I am soooooo rooting for Mary Sue!" said Jigglypuff in her own Jigglypuff language.

"I…" said Mary Sue.

"Wow, you're really confident," said Marth, suddenly worried. "It's unnerving."

"Woah," said Mary Sue. "I didn't say-"

"Maybe Marth and I should take you on at the same time," said Roy. "How about that?"

"Well," said Mary Sue, "I don't want…"

"You don't want to hurt them too bad?" said Samus. "Atta girl. Kill those stupid swordsmen."

"But…" said Mary Sue.

"This-a shall be the fight of the year-a," said Mario excitedly.

"Well…" said Mary Sue, "I guess that…"

"She'd not backing down," said Fox excitedly. "She must be really good."

Marth and Roy exchanged glances.

"Okay, no way am I fighting you now," said Marth. Roy nodded in agreement.

"Scared, eh?" said Link.

"Heck yes," said Roy.

"Um…" said Mary Sue.

"Amazing," said Samus. "Well, you've certainly shown us what a good fighter you are. Let's get you to your room."

"But…" said Mary Sue.

"No buts," said Samus. "Come on, it's going to be absolutely freaking great having you around."

"I tied my shoelaces without choking!" added Peach.

"Kay…" said Mary Sue.

* * *

A/N: What do you all think? Did I make Mary Sue too powerful? I don't think so. She's really cool and much better than all those Smash Bros losers. Read and review anyway, though. 


	5. Mary Sue's Room

_Presenting:_

**_The Millionth Story in which Mary Sue the Mary-Sue  
joins the Smash Brothers in the Smash Mansion  
and has relationships with people and ends up  
dating Marth, Link, and Peach, as well as Saving  
the Universe._**

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

**Author's note:**

Well, another chapter! This time I've decided to spend a bit more time focusing on Mary Sue. That's going to be hard to do, considering how completely about her the previous chapters were, but, you know, I'm a living god, so it shouldn't be much trouble.

* * *

**5: Mary Sue's Room**

* * *

"Well," said Samus, opening the door, and gesturing broadly, "this is your room."

Mary Sue opened the door, and her jaw dropped. Her jaw dropped so low, it actually hit the ground, and a clanging sound could be heard as bone hit wood. (**A/N:** This is, of course, because she's _really, really_ flexible, and she can make her jaw grow longer so that it's her body length. Hey, maybe that could be one of her special abilities – she could shoot out her jaw and hit people with it, real hard! It would be called, um, the Jawbreaker! Ha, ha, get it? Because she's breaking… oh, I give up. Some people have no sense of humour.)

Anyway, where was I? Right. Jaw dropping. Due to seeing room.

Well, Master Hand wasn't one to spare any expenses when it came to making himself look rich, and this relatively unimportant bedroom was just one example of this. The floorboards were of polished wood from the, um, need type of tree… Deku? Yeah, Deku. The floorboards were made of polished Deku wood, varnished with the shiniest varnish that money could afford – in fact, if one shone a spotlight onto the floor, it would blind everyone on the planet.

The walls were painted brightest white, with gold sheeting sheeted all over the walls, like sheets. The result could truly be said to be like 'white paint with gold foil'. Aside from that, glass chandeliers, random violinists wearing tuxedos, ambient lighting – this place had the works. Even a bed.

"Huh," said Mary Sue.

"Oh, 'huh'," mimicked Samus. "Is that all you can say?"

"Well," said Mary Sue, "it's really… extravagant, I guess."

"Of _course_ it's extravagant," laughed Samus. "That's obvious. I probably make this much money killing cute but slimy animals, but you don't see _me_ spending it all on diamond-encrusted ceilings."

"Diamonds… in the ceilings?" gasped Mary Sue, looking up.

"Oh, they're inside the framework," said Samus, "you can't see them. But they're there. Believe me, I've nabbed a few."

"That's… awesome," said Mary Sue.

(A/N: No, that isn't actually very awesome. Mary Sue is _awesome_.)

"Yep," said Samus. "Well, I'll just leave you to it."

She walked out, closing the door gently behind her. ('Gently', of course, meaning something different when you're wearing **full body armour**.)

* * *

"So," said Master Hand, drifting in between Captain Falcon, Link and Roy, "what do you four think of Mary Sue?"

"Beautiful," said Roy.

"Gorgeous," said Link.

"Hey, more women mean better chances of me getting a date, right?" said Captain Falcon.

Master Hand paused for a moment, seemingly looking around. Then, "Where's Marth?"

"Oh," said Link, "I think he had to go to the bathroom."

"Oh, right," said Master Hand. "Well, I'll go interrogate a few other people then." He floated off.

* * *

Marth clung on to one of the windowsills of Mary Sue's room, gasping and clinging on for dear life. It was a two storey drop down, but the reward was absolutely worth the risk.

"Now _there's_ a lady," gasped Marth, watching Mary Sue as she walked around her new bedroom, her mouth still hanging open from five minutes previously.

"Hey, Marth," said Kirby.

Marth almost let go of the edge from shock. "What are you doing up here?"

Kirby waved his arms, floating up and landing on Marth's head. He breathed out deeply, uprooting a nearby tree.

"What do you think I'm doing up here?" said Kirby, a knowing smile on his face.

"Ah, looking at Mary Sue," said Marth.

"No, I'm looking at an idiot hanging from a windowsill in order to get a fleeting glimpse of someone whose room he could just _walk into_," said Kirby.

"Oh… right," said Marth. "Walk… into her room…" He inwardly cursed himself for missing this obvious alternative.

"Also," said Kirby, "I wanted to see how many times I have to hop on your head until you let go."

"Hey," said Marth, "that's not very nice."

"Uh… I'm cute, I can get away with anything," said Kirby.

"Can't argue with that logic," said Marth, half-shrugging (very hard to do when clinging onto something for dear life).

Kirby started to bounce, counting as he went: "One, two, three, four, five, six…"

* * *

Mary Sue finally mustered the courage to sit on the side of the bed, and exhaled. She realised that she'd been holding her breath for the past few minutes as she examined the room. This was probably why her face had been turning blue and her movements had been slowing as she lost oxygen.

"This place is amazing," she said.

Outside, a huge crashing noise reverberated through the walls, followed by a blood-curdling scream of agony.

"No wonder people want to become Smash Brothers," said Mary Sue. "This is the life."

* * *

A/N: There you have it. Another chapter featuring everybody's favourite original character, Mary Sue!

Remember, the more reviews I get, the sooner I'll update! (Well, no, but everyone else says that. _Peer pressure made me do it!_)


	6. Mary Sue Eats

_Presenting:_

_**The Millionth Story in which Mary Sue the Mary-Sue  
joins the Smash Brothers in the Smash Mansion  
and has relationships with people and ends up  
dating Marth, Link, and Peach, as well as Saving  
the Universe.**_

By tikitikirevenge.

* * *

**Author's note:**

Like, wow, like, thanks for all the, like, reviews, everyone! I'll, like, try my hardest to keep all my **_fans!!_** happy with my next chapter, like, 'k?

* * *

**6: Mary Sue Eats**

* * *

Feeling peckish, Mary Sue decided that she would go find the kitchen, and get herself a snack.

"What could be more exciting than snacking?" she said to herself.

Mary Sue stood from the bed, opened the bedroom door, and went out into the hallway, where she ran smack-bang into Zelda.

"Oh, hi," giggled Zelda, shying away.

"Hi…?" said Mary Sue. "Wow, are you Zelda? That's really cool! I've heard all about you!"

"Hehe… yeah…" said Zelda, blushing slightly. "Gee, thanks…"

"I wanted to go down and get a snack," said Mary Sue, "but I don't know the way. Could you show me?"

"Me… and you… together?" said Zelda, with a tiny gasp. "Well… well, okay?"

"Oh, thanks," said Mary Sue. "That's really kind of you. When I came today to deliver that pizza, I never imagined I'd get to meet all my favourite characters!"

"Characters?" said Zelda.

"Sorry, I meant, Smashers," said Mary Sue.

("You see," said Ness, teleporting in just to interrupt, "sometimes, when writing a story, the author chooses to model characters in the story after him or herself. In this instance, the author is imagining himself as actually being in Mary Sue's position, and as such accidentally breaks the fourth wall by acknowledging that this is fiction." He vanished with a puff of smoke.)

"Well," said Zelda, "I love… um, I'd love to show you the way… do you mind if we hold hands while I lead you to the kitchen along the longest route possible?"

"Um, okay?" said Mary Sue, uncertain as to why Zelda would make such a weird request.

They held hands.

Zelda felt all tingly inside.

"When's lunch?" said Mary Sue.

"Yes," said Zelda fondly.

* * *

When they reached the kitchen, Mary Sue and her companion… escort… something… found, to some surprise, Marth lying on the table, covered with blood.

"Oh, no! What happened?" cried Mary Sue.

"I fell… from a ledge… while peeking… through your window…" Marth croaked.

"Oh," said Mary Sue, feeling a bit uneasy.

"Isn't… that… romantic?" Marth continued, reaching out for her.

"I don't know…?" said Mary Sue, confused.

Zelda slapped Marth's hand away. "Bad Marth!" she chastised. "Nobody but me gets to hold her hand!"

"And why's that?" said Marth angrily. He reached out and grabbed Mary Sue by the hair.

Zelda cut Marth's arm off with a knife.

"ARGH! My arm!" cried Marth, blood spurting everywhere.

"That was… needlessly violent," said Fox, who had watched the whole thing. "How could you do that to him, Zelda? That's not funny; that's evil and-"

"Hi, Fox," said Zelda brightly.

"Hi, Zelda," said Fox brightly.

Nobody said anything for a couple of seconds.

"What was I saying?" said Fox, thinking hard.

"Anyway," said Zelda, "I'll always be here to protect you, Mary Sue, okay?"

"Sure, thanks," said Mary Sue, "I think…"

A/N: Mary Sue is so perfect, BTW, that she doesn't really need to eat at all, because with her amazing goodness she can just get all her energy from the sun, or alkaline batteries. In fact, the only reason she eats is as a token of politeness, which is unsurprising as Mary Sue has some of the best manners in the world. She's just that good.

"Um… hi…" said Link nervously, walking inside. "Nice to meet you, Mary Sue."

"Hi," said Mary Sue, whose mouth was full of cottage cheese. (Mary Sue has impeccable taste in food.)

"Will you marry me?" said Link bluntly.

"What? No!" said Mary Sue, slightly shocked, spitting out her cheese onto Fox's face. (Fox licked it off like an animal, because he is an animal, and that's what happened when I did that to my pet fox, who by the way is the size of a building and has laser-beam eyes.)

"Aw…" said Link. "Why not?"

"I don't even know you!" explained Mary Sue.

"My name's Link," said Link. "I'm a hero who has saved the world."

"Well, that part I knew," Mary Sue admitted. "I was talking more about personality."

"Ah," said Link. "Well, I'm a nice person… _now_-will-you-marry-me? Please- please-please-please-please-please-please-please-please-please-please?"

Mary Sue whimpered slightly.

"It's okay," said Zelda. "There, there."

She pulled out a whip and whipped Link.

"Ow!" cried Link. "How did you learn to use a whip? The only person who uses whips is Sheik, and…"

Zelda quickly whipped Link into unconsciousness.

"Aren't I handy to have around?" said Zelda, hugging Mary Sue.

"Uh… I guess…" said Mary Sue uncertainly.

"Oh no! Zelda, you just knocked out Link!" said Fox, who had watched the whole thing. "How could you do that to him, Zelda? He's one of the nicest Smashers here, and you're acting so violently, it's disturbing! I'm going to go tell Master Hand how _psychotic_ you're being in Mary Sue's presence, and he-"

"Hi, Fox," said Zelda brightly.

"Hi, Zelda," said Fox brightly.

Nobody said anything for a couple of seconds.

"What was I saying?" said Fox.

Zelda stabbed him in the chest with a spoon.

"Ow, my ears," said Fox. And to this day, nobody knows why.

* * *

A/N: I am _so_ going to kill her off next chapter… one more story I never need to worry about again. That's just to make the story really angsty, though, because it lacks angst right now, which _obviously_ makes it bad.

Keep reviewing! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! xxxOOXxXOXXxxOXx


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